Hit on at the border, and assaulted by the only fat lady in Vietnam

In my hatred of Hanoi I forgot to recount a funny story that happened to me on my border crossing from Laos. We crossed by foot, and the procedure is to fill out your forms and hand over your passports, then wait for some amount of time until they call your name. Then you give them one US dollar to get your passport back. This not "official," mind you. I already paid my $65 plus shipping and handling visa fee to be allowed in the country, thank you very much. This is just a little extra, um, how shall I say, bribe, to keep the wheels turning.

So our group was waiting, and finally they called my name. The immigration official looked at my picture, and then at me, and said, “Oooooooooh, beautiful.” I kind of smiled and did a little curtsey and asked how to say thank you in Vietnamese. I figured hey, if they are being nice, the least I can do is be polite back. Then the guy said something else that I didn’t quite catch, so he took out a spare entry form and wrote “you are so cool” on it. Where do you think they learned that one from? Oh my goodness are the border officials actually hitting on me? Somehow I can’t see our friends at the Department of Homeland Security doing the same.

So that was funny.

But anyone planning to come to Vietnam should be warned; the hard sell is more aggressive here than in the Caribbean. I mean everywhere people are trying to get you to buy something, anything from them. We were warned as we were going to get out of our bus today at a little scenic stop/rest area, that some pushy ladies would try to sell us everything the minute we got out of the bus. It was not a lie.

Of course we were swarmed like ants to candy the second we stepped off the bus. So I decided to get away from them and use the bathroom. In some countries you have to pay for the privilege to use the public toilet, which I begrudgingly accept, but this particular “happy house” (Vietnamese for toilet) was not such a place. This was a free toilet. But sure enough, I came out, and three different ladies tried to chase after me to get me to pay them (even though it was not their toilet, they were not cleaning it, they were just there, hoping some ignorant tourist would give them money because they thought they were supposed to). One even grabbed my arm and pushed me a little.

Right, I’ve had enough, so I joined my friends in a circle (to keep out the pestering) while we waited for our driver to open the bus back up. Up pulls a car with some tourists inside. I’m standing relatively close to the car door, but with enough room for the person in the back seat to open and get out. But up comes head honcho pushy lady and tries to move me out of the way, so she can open the door for the lady inside and try to sell her something. So I don’t move. I figure, this woman inside the car doesn’t want you to sell her anything any more than I want to move away from where I’m standing, so there. I stay. But the lady, the only fat lady in Vietnam, literally pushes me out of the way with her body so she can open the door (and sure enough the woman getting out mutters how sick she is of all the selling).

After a few minutes, fattie comes back and, I am not kidding, bum-bumps me. She walked up to me, turned around, and in one swift motion, stuck her butt out, in to me, in a defiant motion to push me again. You know how people jokingly bump butts in a club when a funny song comes one. That's what she did, but in a mean and stupid way, literally pushing me with her arse. And this was a grown woman, not a 5-year-old. Where do people learn to behave this way?

I am trying to be culturally sensitive, or whatever, but this is ridiculous!

(and does make for a funny story)